Writer:
I am a 30 year old mother with ADD. My 11 1/2 year old daughter is starting to
realize my inefficiencies and unorganized traits that so many of us with ADD
have. I can't remember dates, names, appointments, etc, unless I write them
down on the BIG calendar in the kitchen. I keep a daybook, but often forget
to look at it. She is at that age where she is asking a lot of questions
about anything! She also talks a lot and she notices when she looses me. (my
mind wanders) I often say "I don't know" and "huh?" and she gets frustrated
and angry at me and thinks I am uninterested in what she has to say, and I
think she thinks I am stupid! She knows our house is not as organized as her
friends' with they're supermoms. And she wonders why I never make it on time
to appointments and why the laundry rarely gets completely finished. Since I
was only recently diagnosed, I haven't told many people. And those who do
know act like they don't believe me. Even my sisters, mom, dad, everyone
doubts it. They think I am just playing some sort of game. A lot of
therapists even look at me strange when I mention it. I am on medication and
it helps but it is not the "cure all." I am still very forgetful. I seem to
be getting a lot more done but am still very forgetful. Anyway ... because of
all the negativity surrounding my diagnoses, I am not very apt to tell
people. Should I tell my daughter about it? I think she should know, but I
don't know how to explain it to her. And I am afraid she may be ashamed of
me. And also, since she shows some of the signs of ADD, I don't want her to
think there is something wrong with her as well. Al though I am watching her
closely, I don't want to put anything into her head. What can I do? Its
embarrassing when she has to remind me about things all the time. (doctor
appts, school activities, signing off on homework, conferences etc.). Any
suggestions would help.
Sari's response:
I too am the mother of a preteen daughter. I think it is so difficult for
any mother of a girl this age because they frequently meet with disapproval
from their daughters at a stage in their life when they are often faced with
the loss of their own ideal images.
On the other hand, how valuable it can be to be a role model for your
daughter at a time when she is struggling with the pain of feeling
different or that she doesn't fit in or does not match some perfect image she
is trying to live up to.
You can model that having differences or difficulties even though painful is
something to be coped with but not crippled by and that the goal for each of
you is to strive to be a whole person. You can join with her in this way or
at least convey your own personal efforts and challenges. Model the struggle
of someone living with differences without letting them color your self
concept in a negative way. In order to do this you must first work
internally to really feel strong and whole despite your difficulties. When
you are able to feel whole in any way you won't feel so vulnerable. You
will be able to get support such as a coach or organizer. People take cues
from you and remember all moms feel stupid and vulnerable around preteens who
recognize our imperfections, ADD or not.