I received this email but I found it so helpful that in addition to answering
it, I asked for permission to print the writer's comments as well.
Writer:
I feel acutely uncomfortable when I am having company at my home and my
female guests try to help me in the kitchen.
Some women are considerate enough to ask if they may help, and if I
discourage it, will say, "Let me know if there's anything I can do," and go
back to the living room to chat with the others. I do have a few friends who
are determined to help, and that is where my problem is.
I have a hard time doing certain tasks with others present. Some kitchen
tasks are like that for me. Also there is a sense of real "stimulus
overload" with another woman in the kitchen who is asking "where do you keep
your (name of kitchen implement or food) which impedes me no end in doing my
own tasks. I don't know if other ADD women do this, but some of my kitchen
items don't have a "place" - it is wherever I have room to stash them when I
unload the dishwasher. It's those infrequently used items that I bring out
at parties, such as the chip and dip dish, that tend to get put away any old
place I have room. I feel like I am constantly being pulled off-task by
these questions. The kitchen help would be easier to manage if I didn't have
the distraction of the questions.
Some women can prepare food for guests and chat at the same time. I have
trouble with this, unless it is a simple snack. I find that having to hold a
conversation and do complex jobs in the kitchen with several dishes demanding
my attention at once to be really difficult to handle.
I would really like to be like other women and function well with others in
the kitchen. Do you think it would be help to plan in advance what people
could do to help me, put the required materials where they can find them
easily, and give them these jobs to do? Another thing I could do would be to
have help in the kitchen with tasks that gradually increase in difficulty for
me, and work up to the dinner party kitchen help.
Or should I just be frank and tell people that having someone try to help me
in the kitchen for more than a short period of time just distracts me and
gets in my way and I would prefer them not to?
I don't have this problem with cleaning up - it is very helpful for people to
stack plates and silverware in the dishwasher and throw out trash. The only
problem there is when people try to put away the food and ask me various
questions regarding that.
My ADD affects me mostly in the areas of distractibility and stimulus
overload. I feel like I am about to "short-circuit" when I would like to
enjoy my company. I am reasonably well-organized. I am not particularly
impulsive (except sometimes under stress). I tend to tire easily and have
little energy. I also can tune out when something doesn't interest me, or
shut down with too much sensory overload.
I would normally try to have a simple snack rather than a whole meal, but I
have several friends who live more than an hour away, and I feel like I
should at least offer a meal.
I would appreciate any advice you could give about how I should handle this
problem.
Sari's response:
You have explained the problem beautifully that so many women face as well as
you have offered great alternatives for handling this situation including
alternatives such as direct communication to advance preparation for a
situation that you know will need special handling. You obviously know your
brain well and are handling your ADD challenges as best as can be expected.
The goal is not to get over your challenges but to handle them in this kind
of experimental way. You are moving more and more toward accepting yourself
obviously and this is what is allowing you to brainstorm so well.