Are there any suggestions as to what to look for in a couple’s counselor when one partner (me) has ADD?
Dear Reader, This is a good question. Suggestions as to what to look for in a couple’s counselor where one person has ADD. In this case it was a woman.
1. The counselor should not focus all the attention on your problems as the ADD partner.
2. The counselor should remain balanced and appear to both of you to be on both your sides, i.e. the side of the couple not one or the other.
3. By the same token the counselor shouldn’t expect the non-ADD partner’s feelings to all disappear with the explanation that the partner has ADD. This will just breed resentment. The partner has a lot of feelings built up. They must learn to deal with them in a constructive way, of course, but will continue to feel frustration even after the explanation.
4. The counselor might do well to explore the meaning the ADD behaviors have to each partner, what kind of emotions are generated, and what triggers them. Examples: being ignored may trigger someone to feel abandoned; To be interrupted may trigger someone to feel invisible or discounted as they were in their family of origin. Each person brings a history to the ADD mix.
5. Is the ADD focus covering up for any other problems in the partner or in the marriage? Are we focusing on who left the dirty dishes when there are other bigger problems not being dealt with? Are the ADD problems causing the couple problems or are the couples individual problems or issues making it much harder to work together to restructure the ADD part of their lives together. These are all fruitful to explore. Communication skills are very important. As my associate, therapist Ellie Payson, ACSW, describes at workshops, “Imago therapy, when working with an Imago therapist who understands ADD, combines the best of both worlds as it addresses the neurological, psychological, and behavioral issues in the relationship’s dynamics."
6. The therapeutic goals must be reinforced and modeled not to get cured, get over it, get responsible, or grow up, but to find a way for each partner to lead satisfying lives together and separately. They do this by focusing on strengths and getting help and needed support, and understanding what is and isn’t a luxury. Sometimes it’s the non-ADD partner who resists this but often it is the person with ADD who has more difficulty getting needed help because it makes them feels too vulnerable.
7. In couples counseling the goal is often to get to a point where the power dynamics are not skewed by the ADD difficulties, where each is treated with respect and views themselves that way as well, even with the ADD difficulties.
8. Another goal is to come to acceptance that the family is a different kind of one with an ADD member, and to change deeply internalized messages that lead to blame and shame.
9. To understand that medication can often bring changes to a relationship when a partner is not so overwhelmed anymore and can see and articulate problems. Medication may cause couples issues to arise and often the partner is uncomfortable with these changes. A counselor can help stabilize this period of change while the couple finds a new healthy balance. A counselor can predict, prevent, mediate, and educate in order to guide the couple into a safe environment.