January 2001

These questions were sent to me from ADDvance magazine for women from their readers and will also appear there in my column Ask Sari January Issue (1001 Spring St. Suite 206 Silver Spring, MD 20910 888-238-8588)


Question #1 From everything I read, I strongly believe that I have ADD. I talked to my doctor about it and he doesn't seem to put much stock in the idea of ADD in adults. What should I do now? How do I know I have it and where do I find the help I need?

Answer #1: First of all, I would follow your instincts. That doesn't mean you definitely have ADD since you can have the same severe and chronic symptoms from a different cause. But you have something going on that is impacting you for which you need diagnosis and treatment so I wouldn't be deterred by your doctor's skepticism. ADD in adults is very real!

At this point I would ask around in your area for a therapist, psychologist or doctor who has experience with ADD in adults. It doesn't matter which kind of professional you start with just find someone experienced and knowledgeable and they will be able to steer you to other professionals you may need to round out diagnostic and treatment services. Keep reading, attend conferences, seminars, join on-line groups or local CHADD (Children and Adults with ADD) group meetings. You can call CHADD National at (301) 306-7070 www.chadd.org or ADDA (Attention Deficit Disorder Association) (847) 432-ADDA www.add.org. You can email me or ask the discussion forum on this web site for recommendations in your area. A good source is also ADDconsults.com who can help you find resources in your area. Just put that inquisitive ADD mind that loves to search to work for you and keep going. Good luck!

Question #2: I am sure that I have ADD, from everything that I've read. I've tried to talk to my husband about it, but he's just not interested. He thinks that ADD is just a fad and I’ve gotten caught up in it. He won't read about it and won't really listen to me and why I think I have it. How can I get him to take this seriously? I think that ADD has really impacted me and explains why I am so disorganized and have trouble keeping up with things. My husband just thinks I'm looking for excuses. What should I do?

Answer #2: First of all it is not unusual at all to have a spouse or family who does not believe ADD is real at first or thinks it is just another fad. Often adults with ADD have been searching for a long time to discover what is going on with them and may have previously looked into a number of other labels or self-help measures. This tends to put their partners in a mind set that views ADD as just another quick fix. Don't wait for your husband to believe in ADD. That will come later. Just find other support, help and validation now and don't be too hard on him. The best thing you can do is to keep lines of communication open with him. If you change your expectations at this early part of the journey, you won't build up so much resentment and will be more effective later after you are more sure yourself.

If you think you have the symptoms of ADD you need to get support from other sources at this point. Don't wait for and don't expect your husband to come around first. He will be more apt to "take it seriously" when you do. It will take a while for you to get to the point where you have enough inner sureness to convey this to your husband. In the meantime get diagnosed and treated, and get connected with other women who have the same difficulties. This will help you feel less isolated. Continue to become more educated, find help through the same sources listed in the answer to Question #1.

Question#3: I have been diagnosed with ADD several years ago, and have also struggled with depression. Things were going fine for a while. I left NYC, where things were very stressful, and returned home to the small community where I grew up. I met and married my husband about three years ago. Now, we have a 15 month old son and it feels as if my life is coming apart and I can't stand the mess and confusion everyday. It doesn't seem to bother my husband. Also, I've gone back to work, only two short days a week - but even that is overwhelming. When I get home from work I just feel like crying when I face the cereal spilled on the kitchen floor and the dishes I didn't have time to do before I left for work. What's wrong with me? I can't even manage this very part time job, and I feel overwhelmed all the time, trying to keep up the house and keep up with my daughter.

Answer #3: You are discovering the overwhelming situation that so many women with ADD find themselves in at some point. You need to come to terms with the fact that you have a more delicate kind of balance point than many others do which requires more careful planning. Unfortunately, that's another problem for people with ADD! Especially when overloaded, your ability to strategize and plan in these circumstances is severely challenged.

In addition, you are back in the small community where you grew up. This might be putting more domestic expectations on you than you had in NYC where things may have been over stimulating but maybe more anonymous. Often our gender role expectations of ourselves increase and our estimation of ourselves grows more negative after we have children. Women with ADD put themselves down at this point because household and domestic work is often the most difficult for them and the stimulation of all the mess and the baby's demands often leaves them feeling no control. This often leads to depression.

I don't know where you are located now but you have to find help. You are drowning and overloaded and so you just need to find one professional or support place to help guide you through this ADD world - to help get you to start to breath again and to help you think through some of following questions and make a plan.

It doesn't sound as if you have anyone helping out at home. What kind of support do you need? Examine your feelings about asking for support from friends or family or trading if you can’t afford to hire help. You may need to renegotiate with your husband for which jobs are better suited to each of you at home rather than splitting directly along gender lines. If you have difficulty with this you may need some counseling to communicate about this.

You also need to look at the kind of job you have and see if that's where the stress is coming from as well. Is your job a good fit? You may find it was too early to take on something new like a job after the move and marriage and the baby and ADD diagnosis. Don't quit your job if it is providing the right kind of stimulation and makes you feel good. If that is the case I would up the support at home rather than quit the job. If its the job that is putting you over the top, and it is not a good fit, I would maybe consider a different one or take a class that might lead you to a more interesting and fulfilling career later.

> Are you on medication? It sounds as if the right medication might help block out some of the stimulation and stress. It sounds as if you are already approaching that point when the resulting depression takes over and causes a double whammy for you that you have trouble getting out of. Call the same resources that I have listed above or at least get help for the depression which should be easier to find from your doctor or referrals he or she can make.

A good book that to start reading is Moms with ADD, by Chris Adamec, Taylor Trade Publisher Dallas, TX 2000. Don't try and tackle everything at once. Just remember to start a new positive cycle you may need medication and support. You need to start doing just one thing, taking one step, making one call.