Hello,
Here are the answers to some of the questions this week. If you don't see yours answered look again next week. I will get to them all! Your questions are of interest to many people who share many of the same concerns. I appreciate your writing in.
Q.#1.
This from a woman who was just recently diagnosed with inattentive type of ADD. She says her husband also has ADHD. She wants to know of any articles that talk about issues that arise when both people in a couple have ADD.
A.
I know that Hallowell and Ratey address this at the beginning of their chapter (chapter 8) on couples in Answers to Distraction. Pantheon
Books, New York, 1994.
My experience is that this kind of partnership has plusses as well as special challenges. On one hand, the partners might be more accepting and understanding of each other and agree on non-traditional modes of living one's life. On the other hand, they may not always have the ability to compensate for each other as in a "mixed marriage" so there may be more disorder with which to cope.
In addition, sometimes your ADD may be so different that your partner's more hyperactive style that he might completely overwhelm you. Again, on the other hand, it is possible your partner may help activate you while you slow him down a bit.
Because you may have very different styles, you may need some professional facilitation to help you both learn to communicate and to protect, accept and respect your differences.
Q.#2.
This from a woman in her 30's who is a mother and wife beginning to suspect she has ADD. She's wondering if she will ever want to stay in a relationship with any one man. She feels always feels pulled toward other relationships.
A.
This could have its roots in a wide variety of sources, including the high stimulus seeking of ADHD. It is essential before you decide that it is a result of ADHD alone, though, that you seek out professional diagnosis and treatment to explore whether there are other reasons for this long standing pattern.
Q.#3.
This from a 33 year old mother with ADHD and a 9 yr. old daughter with both ADHD and ODD. (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) She wants to know what she can do since her child needs the structure that she has such difficulty providing. She says she doesn't want to make her daughter's difficulty worse.
A.
This would be a challenge for anyone, let alone a woman with ADHD. Many mothers who have ADHD also have challenging children and face this dilemma. The first thing you must learn to is not berate yourself. You need all your mental and physical energy to cope with this. That means taking care of yourself, taking time for yourself. It means plenty of respite from this demanding situation so that you can come back replenished instead of continually growing more depleted. That means finding both physical and emotional support and filling in your structuring gaps for your daughter with other people such as a coach or tutor.
You need to also think about what positive messages you can give her as a result of some of the challenges you both share. Remember, you are modeling to her how one can value themselves in spite of special challenges and how you can ask for help, an invaluable lesson. Good luck.
Well, that's all for this week! I look forward to answering more of your questions next Friday!
- Warmest regards, Sari
TO read additional columns from the Dear Sari... archive, click HERE.