Greetings to this new on-line community.
Its a pleasure for me to be able to connect with you in this way-and without all the disorganization involved in traveling! It is a wonderful way for me to be able to give back to all of you who have given me such support since the publication of my book, Women with ADD. I also hope men will use this site as a way of addressing their own journey through life with ADD as well as questions you men might have as a partner of a woman with ADD.
Some of you have expressed concern about confidentiality. I will never print your exact question or your e-mail address attached to the question. So watch for your question- it may be disguised and summarized or combined with other questions that fit into same category. Later I also plan to add a feature to the web site where I can individually consult with you.
At this point I plan to answer some questions each Friday and then to have them stored in the archives for you to look up if you miss it at the time it is posted. I also might occasionally ask colleagues who have expertise in specific areas to help me out or act as guest responders. I might also refer you to other experts or resources that can address your concerns.
But for now lets answer some of this week's Dear Sari questions.
Q.#1.
Can you talk about subtle put downs from the non-ADD partner and the power shifts that occur in relationships with the growth of the ADD partner.
A.
Before treatment, many individuals with ADD put themselves in a one down position with their partner because they feel they have already caused too many problems and so don't feel as if they have the right to assert their desires or wishes. They agree on some level with the negative view held by their partners of them and their ADD. In treatment, hopefully, they grow to a point where they are able to separate these core feelings about themselves from their ADD. This internal shift allows them not to accept these negative attributions from their partners. When they change internally there is often a shift in the power dynamics in a relationship. Also, when an individual takes medication they are less overwhelmed, more clear and able to know and to express what isn't working for them as well and to make their wishes known. All this can lead to an upheaval in the family system even though the changes are healthy. It's important to know these are expected changes and that if you stay with it you and your partner may reorganize at a healthier level of functioning. You may need professional support to handle the anxiety that these kinds of changes sometimes bring.
Q.#2.
What else can I do to help myself with my great organizational difficulties if I have a history of amphetamine use that make me unable to take stimulants?
A.
First of all an individual with this kind of history would want to consult an expert in psycho- pharmacology. You amphetamine use might have been an effort to self medicate your untreated ADD. There may be other medication, certain anti depressants like Wellbutrin or stimulants like Cylert may be things to ask a doctor about in a case like this. But even if you do take medication or you don't it wont be enough to take care of all the organizational difficulties. It may be more difficult, though, to get going on looking for other support and employing other strategies without the medication to give you a jump start and so it is even more critical for you who aren't using meds to employ some other outside trigger, support, or structure like a coach or a professional organizer. Even a friend who can sit with you while you balance your checkbook each month might work to keep you on track.
Q.#3.
What can I do with the constant bombardment from noise and activity in my world that is compounded by a very open workspace and living space. The worse problem is that my husband is a loud snorer. I have used all sorts of ways to try and block it out but I just can't. Is this a common complaint from people with ADD?
It is a common complaint for individual with ADD to have great difficulty blocking out the world around them to different degrees and especially I imagine to block out a loud snorer! First of all, it sounds as if you need a place other to find some place and time for yourself, for pleasure and relaxation and to get away from the noise even if its locked up in the bathroom in a tub. You might need to re-consider all the open space and come to terms with whether you may need to adjust your environment to bring you more time in your day where you are not exposing those raw ADD nerves to such bombardment. I am no expert in sleep problems like snoring but I think there have been some improvements in helping snorers and I would check with your doctor or a sleep clinic or a pharmacy, as well as the web to see what new devices are out there to address this problem.
Q.#4.
A man who has married into a step family situation with a wife and a stepchild with ADD wants to know how to help when his wife won't see a counselor or take medication. He is confused by her inconsistent reactions to him and frustrated in his attempts to help even though he sees her other wonderful qualitites. He wants to know how to start.
A.
Her inconsistent behavior toward you can be coming from many different sources and when someone has ADD its easy to attribute it all to that when you have to consider all the other possibilities as well. For instance, ADD or not, beginning a stepfamily is incredibly challenging and I would not overlook the anger and resentments and frustrations related to that. I would encourage you to read some books on that as well and to look into support groups that address that issue. You may want to look up the organization StepFamilies of America.
I also wonder if your wife is getting out enough and away from her ADD difficulties. You talk about her being "Suzy homemaker" one minute and very angry the next. She might be feeling the pressure of being home every day and having the responsibility of a small child with ADD, especially now that the child is probably going to school and she may have lost the only focus she had. She has, it sounds like, gone through an extremely disorganizing time with a divorce, a remarriage, while coping with the demands of a young child, all while she has been living with untreated ADD. She has probably been spending the majority of her time in her areas of deficits. This wears a person down eventually and becomes demoralizing, especially when someone is coming home at the end of the day all full of his latest accomplishments. This may be triggering a whole host of issues for her. In addition, she may still be feeling the effects of the dissolution of her first marriage.
I think it's great how you are able to see all the gifts she has to give. But it sounds as if she needs more opportunities to use those gifts every day. You might look into a holiday present of extra household help if she doesn't have it or extra baby-sitting so she may have chance to start exploring some outside activities and regain or gain a new sense of competence. I wouldn't give this help as if she is hopelessly incompetent but because you want her to have time for herself. I would also get help for myself from local ADD adult groups or support groups for spouses. You might contact Chadd (Children and Adults with ADD) to find one near you or take a trip to a conference together like ADDA (National Attention Deficit Disorder Association's annual meeting in May in Atlanta. This event is always fun and empowering. And remember don't take on more than you can yourself without resentment but instead think about support for yourself and your wife.
I'm glad you are reading my book. It might be helpful for your wife if she could listen to my audiotape.
ADDA (National Attention Deficit Disorder Association)
Website: http://www.add.org
Chadd (Children and adults with Attention Deficit Disorder)
Website: http://www.chadd.org
Phone: 301 306-7070
Q.#5.
This question was about the price of hyper focus that it creates such disorder even though an individual may accomplish a great deal. This letter asks how to clean up as she goes along.
This is a common problem. Many adults with ADD have a lot to express and create and the only way they find to do it is to hyper focus on it to the exclusion of all else. When they are done, even if they have accomplished their goal, they look around with dismay to see the chaos this process has left behind. You may need to increase your level of support while you are working. It may be too much to ask right now to break your hyper focus habit and I don't know what kind of projects you are doing, but I would definitely recommend the addition of support for regular filing or processing of materials. This doesn't have to be from an expensive organizer - just a teenager or college kid once a day or a few times a week. Just knowing they will be coming will help keep part of your attention on what you are doing organizationally as you go along. Sometimes instead of fighting your problems, it is more useful to predict them and prevent them by knowing how you operate, filling in the gaps, and enjoying your success. You will have to analyze things for a while and see where things break down for you, where is your need. You may need a professional organizer to help you set up a system that you can maintain. In addition you might look into a couple books by organizers who understand ADD and creativity. Dorothy Lemkuhl's book called Organizing for the Creative Person available at bookstores and Judith Kolberg's book Conquering Chronic Disorganization. To order call 404 289-1622
Well, that's all for this week! I look forward to answering more of your questions next Friday!
- Warmest regards, Sari
TO read additional columns from the Dear Sari... archive, click HERE.