Happy New Year!
I hope you had a great holiday.
One of my favorite events each year is the conference put on for adults by the National Attention Deficit Disorder Association (ADDA)
This year, ADDA 2000 will be held May 5-7 in Atlanta, GA.
I encourage you to attend this event that is always informative, empowering and just plain fun! The list of presenters this year looks great. The conference is called "Tapping the Potential, Fulfilling Life's Dreams."
You can find out more information by looking at ADDA's web site http://www.add.org or calling them at 847-432-5874.
I will be doing a presentation at the conference with material from my book due out in 2001 to be published by Walker Books, NY. The working title is Passages of Adult ADD. The book and the workshop at ADDA is for men and women and their search for meaning and identity in the life long journey of living with ADD, long past diagnosis and early treatment. I will also lead a session during the special day for women that is being planned. Hope to see you there!
Speaking of ADDA, Donna Soldano, a board member of ADDA, who I had the pleasure to meet at last year's conference wrote us a response about Andrea Little's article on couples. Thanks Donna. .
Donna writes:
I just want to comment on Andrea Little's article "Odd Couple." It is an excellent article. Here is the part that hit me:
" Laugh! ADD folks see humor everywhere. They not only do funny things; they think funny thoughts too. Non ADD partners are often attracted to them because they admire this light-hearted attitude toward life. Join in and laugh with your partner. Encourage each other to laugh at yourselves and share amusing experiences."
Just last night when my husband and I were in my Jimmy going somewhere, he asked me, "where did your trash bag go?" I have a trash bag hanging in the front seat, otherwise the trash ends up all over my car. I said it was full and I haven't gotten another one yet. With a smirk on his face he asked, where did you put it? I smirked back at him, and he immediately responded -Is it in the way back where you put the last filled trash bag? We both looked at each other and burst out laughing!!! It used to be that he would get angry about these things I did, now he can sere the humor in them and we both can laugh about it. He has learned to laugh at crazy things that I do, which attracted him to me in the first place 25 years ago!
Sincerely, Donna Soldano
Now for this week's questions and answers
Q.#1. Overwhelmed after diagnosis
Someone wrote that she is very overwhelmed after being diagnosed. She says she has my tape and sees a therapist but finds it a real struggle to discuss what she is experiencing. She wants to know where to go from here.
A.
It may take a while before you find someone with whom you can share your feelings and difficulties about ADD and whom you feel can understand you and act as a partner. This person doesn't have to be a specially trained ADD therapist even though that would be great. A therapist who is willing to learn the additional issues around ADD and is open to reading what you bring her and is open to what you tell her, who takes it seriously, may be able to help you a great deal. I would supplement that therapy by going to support groups, going on line for chat groups for women with ADD and attend conferences like the one I discussed above. You need to connect with other women! Start a thread on this website for others to communicate with you. Order ADDvance magazine for women. (888) 238-8588
Try this chat on America Online hosts terrym2442 and annie12345 for women:
INSTRUCTIONS:
1. Go to people connection
2. click on "chatnow"
3. click on "private chat"
4. type in "add women"
5. click on "gochat"
Q.#2. ADDer social skills
This was a question from a man about social skills in adults with ADD. He wondered what kinds of problems adults often have, how it affects relationships, and what suggestions I had for them.
A.
Some of the social skills difficulties leave adults with ADD sometimes hesitant to participate in important situations at work and in their social life. These often lead to anxiety and withdrawal since you don't know if today will be a good or bad brain day. You may not be able to think of as single thing to say during small talk or be able to answer a direct question. You may simply go blank, unable to retrieve information you know. You may not be able to tell a story in a linear way and people may start to stare at you several minutes into the story and you know they aren't following you.
'
You may find yourself interrupting, wanting to get to the bottom line, and finishing people's sentences for them (because you know what they are going to say!). You may mentally wander off in conversations, not following what is being said which is especially difficult in groups.
Because of an impressionistic understanding of some of the current topics in the news not feeling confident in these kinds of discussions.
Because of your slow processing, by the time you figure out what you want to say the conversation has moved on and you just say it anyway even if it doesn't make sense any more. Or you may be afraid you will forget what you want to say and so you blurt it out prematurely. All sorts of things like this can lead to insecurities that affect relationships.
Some suggestions- Write down what you want to say in a group discussion if possible, especially in a work situation. Make little notes to yourself until the right time to add them.
Create situations that work better for you with one on one conversation without distractions.
Often volunteering to be in charge of a group keeps you in control of the agenda.
Talk from your heart rather than your head. This often is easier than trying to recall facts.
On the other hand, try and be with people as much as possible with whom you feel comfortable, with whom you can be yourself. These would be people with the same interests, who value the kind of person you are. Be in situations where you can display your strengths. Spend time in places where other fascinating "eccentrics" may more likely be. Then, even though you will have to sometimes be in these other more awkward situations. You will be developing confidence.
Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo, pioneers in the field of adult ADD talk about social skills in their book You mean I'm not Crazy, Stupid or Lazy?
They say that when selective attention gets in the way in social situations a person with ADD's perceptions may be flawed by incomplete or inaccurate information. .
They say that we watch people in social situations for clues as to how to act and we gauge their reactions to our behaviors. Because we may have an inability to process information efficiently, we can fail to assimilate the new rules quickly enough. This, combined with impulsivity, can lead to numerous social mistakes
They also say that we may have difficulties taking the time to making deep connections, even if we talk to a lot of people in a social setting.
They advise -just concentrate on making a few close friends instead of worrying about creating a large social network.
They also encourage us by saying that many of these quirks that seemed weird as children now often work for adults who are seen as interesting or special. Also adults with ADD they point out often have creativity, special talent, humor, or zest for life that can be a social magnet!
That's it for today. I want to encourage you to try out and use our new bulletin board capability to talk to me and to talk to each other about topics of interest to you. It is a way I can more directly interact with you as well. I am trying them out for a while to see if they are of use to you. I am going to hold off on the weekly Dear Sari column for a couple of weeks and try and start some conversations on the boards. Look for the conversation there. Please join in and tell your friends. I look forward to the opportunity to have more contact.
Warm regards-
Sari
To ASK Sari a question, go to the new DISCUSSION FORUM by clicking HERE
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(c) 1999 Sari Solden. Unlawful to duplicate without expressed permission.