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Sari's Words of Wisdom with ADHD
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Dear Sari:
Sari's
response: (c) 2001
Sari Solden.
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August 2002 |
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Dear Sari:
Sari's
response: (c) 2001
Sari Solden.
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June 2002 |
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Writer:
Sari's response:
(c) 2001
Sari Solden.
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2002 |
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Writer:
Sari's
response: (c) 2001
Sari Solden.
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May 2002
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Writer:
Sari's
response: (c) 2001
Sari Solden.
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April 2002 |
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I received this email but I found it so helpful that in addition to answering it, I asked for permission to print the writer's comments as well. Writer:
Some women are considerate enough to ask if they may help, and if I discourage it, will say, "Let me know if there's anything I can do," and go back to the living room to chat with the others. I do have a few friends who are determined to help, and that is where my problem is. I have a hard time doing certain tasks with others present. Some kitchen tasks are like that for me. Also there is a sense of real "stimulus overload" with another woman in the kitchen who is asking "where do you keep your (name of kitchen implement or food) which impedes me no end in doing my own tasks. I don't know if other ADD women do this, but some of my kitchen items don't have a "place" - it is wherever I have room to stash them when I unload the dishwasher. It's those infrequently used items that I bring out at parties, such as the chip and dip dish, that tend to get put away any old place I have room. I feel like I am constantly being pulled off-task by these questions. The kitchen help would be easier to manage if I didn't have the distraction of the questions. Some women can prepare food for guests and chat at the same time. I have trouble with this, unless it is a simple snack. I find that having to hold a conversation and do complex jobs in the kitchen with several dishes demanding my attention at once to be really difficult to handle. I would really like to be like other women and function well with others in the kitchen. Do you think it would be help to plan in advance what people could do to help me, put the required materials where they can find them easily, and give them these jobs to do? Another thing I could do would be to have help in the kitchen with tasks that gradually increase in difficulty for me, and work up to the dinner party kitchen help. Or should I just be frank and tell people that having someone try to help me in the kitchen for more than a short period of time just distracts me and gets in my way and I would prefer them not to? I don't have this problem with cleaning up - it is very helpful for people to stack plates and silverware in the dishwasher and throw out trash. The only problem there is when people try to put away the food and ask me various questions regarding that. My ADD affects me mostly in the areas of distractibility and stimulus overload. I feel like I am about to "short-circuit" when I would like to enjoy my company. I am reasonably well-organized. I am not particularly impulsive (except sometimes under stress). I tend to tire easily and have little energy. I also can tune out when something doesn't interest me, or shut down with too much sensory overload. I would normally try to have a simple snack rather than a whole meal, but I have several friends who live more than an hour away, and I feel like I should at least offer a meal. I would appreciate any advice you could give about how I should handle this problem. Sari's
response: (c) 2001
Sari Solden.
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March 2002 |
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What is your advice on whether to inform your employers that you have ADD? I am a customer care consultant and sometimes I just want to tell them but on the other hand I don't want to jeopardize my position. I have been doing the same job for 8 years and believe me my ADD could explain to them a lot of my shortcomings. An answer to
this question was provided by ADD Coach Nancy Ratey. Generally speaking I always advise people not to disclose unless it is done with a very specific purpose in mind, meaning if you need an accommodation. If not, then it is not advisable. It sounds to me your employer values your work despite your own feeling about your performance since they have kept you on for 8 years! Maybe setting some time aside to brainstorm some ideas with your boss about how you could improve your performance would help? That way it will show initiative on your part and involve him/her in the process. (c) 2001
Sari Solden.
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January 2002 | |
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A woman writes to ask what a non-ADD husband might expect to notice in his ADD wife. She was the inattentive type in the back of the class. She has also struggled with depression. Things are coming together now that she is in her 20's and married but she thinks her husband has trouble understanding her. It is difficult for people to really understand a woman who was inattentive instead of acting out as having ADD since the difficulties are often so internal especially when combined with depression. I don't know what your particular kind of ADD looks like but in general these things are common among adult married women with the inattentive type ADD: Difficulty getting up and getting started in the mornings. Overwhelmed easily by too many demands or variables even though it might not seem like a lot or very difficult to the outsider given a woman's level of abilities in other areas or education or intelligence. Because of this she may over react easily to one more even simple request because it might put her over the top emotionally. Having to do simple tasks which may seem to be stress reducing actually may increase her difficulty because it may reduce needed stimulation and structure. For instance a woman might be better off at a demanding job in an area of skill than at home with no structure or stimulation because she might not know how to prioritize or organize even a very simple day. It is the executive function or management function of the brain that make it hard. Socializing may be difficult, making small talk going to parties with a lot of background noise or where her attention is pulled in many directions. Shopping or cooking are often difficult although not always. So basically, simple, everyday living may be demanding. This may include organizing the house, difficulty with laundry, incoming papers and information. She needs support and structure and to find ways to spend more times in areas of strength. (c) 2001
Sari Solden.
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November
2001 |
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A woman writes that she was diagnosed a few months ago and put on medication but her family, parents, relatives urge her to keep it a secret ands are ashamed of it. She is looking for guidelines to deal with relatives. Shame is a big part of growing up undiagnosed with ADD and unfortunately your parents are feeding into this. You need to be with other people with ADD so you feel supported and break this feeling of shame. Hopefully, you can attend a conference here at some point or connect with people on line, for example in a discussion forum or through ADDvance for Women www.addvance.com or just reading about other women. Join organizations such as ADDA, www.add.org. You must have information and support from people who are familiar with the medications that can help you. At first it's not always possible to get understanding from your family at a time when you need it. This is another important reason to connect up with other women or men who have had similar experiences. Your family will probably come around later once you feel more sure of yourself and are no longer feeling bad about your difficulties. When you are less vulnerable you can explain without apologizing or defending. You cannot do this alone. You must first come to see yourself in a non-defective way. Then join support groups or online groups, attend conferences or read about others like you. Go to counseling if available and if very isolated you must focus on this first before spending all your energy trying to convince others. Good luck. Let me know if you have trouble finding resources for connection. (c) 2001
Sari Solden.
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September
2001 |
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Are there any suggestions as to what to look for in a couple’s counselor when one partner (me) has ADD? Dear
Reader,
(c) 2001
Sari Solden.
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May 2001 |
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A woman writes to inquire how she can tell the difference between ADD and depression. Dear
Reader, First, I would recommend that you go to a doctor or psychologist who is experienced in telling these apart or understanding the relationship between them because indeed you could have both ADD and depression. What you want to sort out is whether the depression is a reaction to the ADD that will improve when the ADD is properly diagnosed and treated or is it a separate condition that needs treatment along with the ADD. Often when you have ADD, you become depressed because you are so overwhelmed and depleted and your choices are leading you nowhere. You may feel stuck and trapped. What complicates making this distinction is that when you have ADHD inattentive type or depression, both can manifest difficulties with activation. Making an effort requires too much energy. Being disorganized in your behavior is also a manifestation often of both. What you want to understand and sort out is the chronic nature of the symptoms and the severity. Often a person becomes disorganized after a major life change like a death or a divorce. At these times of depression or normal grieving even symptoms like ADD can appear and they can be severe but they CAN STILL BE TRACED to an event rather than ongoing ADD. Or a person can have low levels of depression or attention problems chronically but that donât interfere with their lives enough for the ADD diagnosis and requirement of severity. As you see these need to be sorted out by an open minded and experienced mental health professional with whom you feel like a partner in sorting through these issues. Good luck. (c) 2001
Sari Solden.
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January 2001 |
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These
questions were sent to me from ADDvance magazine for women from
their readers and will also appear there in my column Ask Sari-January
Issue Question
#1 Answer
#1: At this point I would ask around in your area for a therapist, psychologist or doctor who has experience with ADD in adults. It doesn't matter which kind of professional you start with just find someone experienced and knowledgeable and they will be able to steer you to other professionals you may need to round out diagnostic and treatment services. Keep reading, attend conferences, seminars, join on-line groups or local CHADD (Children and Adults with ADD) group meetings. You can call CHADD National at (301) 306-7070 www.chadd.org or ADDA (Attention Deficit Disorder Association) (484) 945-2101 www.add.org. You can email me or ask the discussion forum on this web site for recommendations in your area. A good source is also ADDconsults.com who can help you find resources in your area. Just put that inquisitive ADD mind that loves to search to work for you and keep going. Good luck! Question
#2: Answer
#2: If you think you have the symptoms of ADD you need to get support from other sources at this point. Don't wait for and don't expect your husband to come around first. He will be more apt to "take it seriously" when you do. It will take a while for you to get to the point where you have enough inner sureness to convey this to your husband. In the meantime get diagnosed and treated, and get connected with other women who have the same difficulties. This will help you feel less isolated. Continue to become more educated, find help through the same sources listed in the answer to Question #1. Question#3:
Answer
#3: In addition, you are back in the small community where you grew up. This might be putting more domestic expectations on you than you had in NYC where things may have been over stimulating but maybe more anonymous. Often our gender role expectations of ourselves increase and our estimation of ourselves grows more negative after we have children. Women with ADD put themselves down at this point because household and domestic work is often the most difficult for them and the stimulation of all the mess and the baby's demands often leaves them feeling no control. This often leads to depression. I don't know where you are located now but you have to find help. You are drowning and overloaded and so you just need to find one professional or support place to help guide you through this ADD world - to help get you to start to breath again and to help you think through some of following questions and make a plan. It doesn't sound as if you have anyone helping out at home. What kind of support do you need? Examine your feelings about asking for support from friends or family or trading if you can’t afford to hire help. You may need to renegotiate with your husband for which jobs are better suited to each of you at home rather than splitting directly along gender lines. If you have difficulty with this you may need some counseling to communicate about this. You also need to look at the kind of job you have and see if that's where the stress is coming from as well. Is your job a good fit? You may find it was too early to take on something new like a job after the move and marriage and the baby and ADD diagnosis. Don't quit your job if it is providing the right kind of stimulation and makes you feel good. If that is the case I would up the support at home rather than quit the job. If its the job that is putting you over the top, and it is not a good fit, I would maybe consider a different one or take a class that might lead you to a more interesting and fulfilling career later. Are you on medication? It sounds as if the right medication might help block out some of the stimulation and stress. It sounds as if you are already approaching that point when the resulting depression takes over and causes a double whammy for you that you have trouble getting out of. Call the same resources that I have listed above or at least get help for the depression which should be easier to find from your doctor or referrals he or she can make. A good book that to start reading is "Moms with ADD", by Chris Adamec, Taylor Trade Publisher Dallas, TX 2000. Don't try and tackle everything at once. Just remember to start a new positive cycle you may need medication and support. You need to start doing just one thing, taking one step, making one call. (c) 2001
Sari Solden.
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Friday, January
28, 2000 |
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Well I'm off for the next month for some family time and travel. I won't be writing until March. I hope you will use the bulletin boards to start a conversation with each other. I hear from so many of you who want to talk to other adults about your experiences. So here's your chance.. Now for this week's questions and answers... Q.#1. I had a question from a woman about how young you can tell if a toddler has ADHD. This woman believes her 3 and half year old is a likely candidate but wants to know when he can get formally tested and treated. -and how to handle the excessive chatter and activity in this interim period when she says meds aren't appropriate and symptoms aren't dangerous but merely disruptive. She wanted thoughts and advice on early detection and behavioral techniques. This woman is also recently diagnosed as well as her teenage daughter. I turned this one over to an expert, Dr. Roger Lauer, PhD, a child and adult clinical neuropsychologist here in Ann Arbor who has great expertise in this area. He was kind enough to make this response. A.#1. The majority of these children do not come to the attention of professionals until they reach school age. To be identified so early in life (age 3) would mean that the behavior was quite obvious (or in the case of the person who wrote to you, their awareness was raised possibly due to their own diagnosis). I would recommend an assessment by a pediatric neuropsychologist who will examine many possible reasons for the described behavior. If ADHD is found, then behavioral intervention is most helpful. This typically involves helping the child and his family to alter their behavior, with an emphasis on anticipating situations where difficulties will arise and proactively intervening. Also, developing a reward system to help foster new behavior and responses is suggested. Given that a parent may also have this diagnosis, I would recommend parent guidance work to assist the parents in developing more effective parenting strategies. On this same note (and connected to my point above), we would want to insure that the parent was not misinterpreting typical behavior in children as problematic due to their own struggles. Lastly, an evaluation by a child psychiatrist could be suggested, to explore possible medication intervention. I typically do not suggest this avenue for intervention at such a young age unless all other treatment has failed to change the behavior, or if the child has multiple deficits that need remediation and it would be helpful to eliminate excessive inattention and overactivity as a hurdle to achieving success with other therapies (e.g., a child with a severe speech and language disorder who cannot benefit from language therapy because of their inattention or hyperactivity). I would caution that my response to this question is based on generalities and not on a specific case. As in my own practice, every child is unique and each case requires a comprehensive evaluation with possibly different recommendations depending on developmental history, medical history, family history, school history, and social history (to name a few areas of importance)." Roger Lauer,
Ph.D. Thanks Dr. Lauer! Q.#2. A.
#2. In my experience, adults with ADD have a great deal of trouble keeping up their important connections. Time just passes by, they are overwhelmed with other commitments. Many adults with ADD have told me how badly they feel when people mistake this for not caring, when really the opposite is in their hearts. They feel so ashamed usually when they miss an important occasion to connect, that they withdraw more. An accepting supportive place as the writer of this question suggests, where they could gather and re-group, sounds like a wonderful way to try and put more balance into their lives as well as find that much sought after connection that could give them something to hold on to in the middle of chaos. See you in March! Warm Regards - Sari (c) 1999
Sari Solden.
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Friday, January
7, 2000 |
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Happy New Year! I hope you had a great holiday. One of my favorite events each year is the conference put on for adults by the National Attention Deficit Disorder Association (ADDA) This year, ADDA 2000 will be held May 5-7 in Atlanta, GA. I encourage you to attend this event that is always informative, empowering and just plain fun! The list of presenters this year looks great. The conference is called "Tapping the Potential, Fulfilling Life's Dreams." You can find out more information by looking at ADDA's web site http://www.add.org or calling them at 484-945-2101. I will be doing a presentation at the conference with material from my book due out in 2001 to be published by Walker Books, NY. The working title is " Passages of Adult ADD". The book and the workshop at ADDA is for men and women and their search for meaning and identity in the life long journey of living with ADD, long past diagnosis and early treatment. I will also lead a session during the special day for women that is being planned. Hope to see you there! Speaking of ADDA, Donna Soldano, a board member of ADDA, who I had the pleasure to meet at last year's conference wrote us a response about Andrea Little's article on couples. Thanks Donna. Donna
writes: Just last night when my husband and I were in my Jimmy going somewhere, he asked me, "where did your trash bag go?" I have a trash bag hanging in the front seat, otherwise the trash ends up all over my car. I said it was full and I haven't gotten another one yet. With a smirk on his face he asked, where did you put it? I smirked back at him, and he immediately responded -Is it in the way back where you put the last filled trash bag? We both looked at each other and burst out laughing!!! It used to be that he would get angry about these things I did, now he can sere the humor in them and we both can laugh about it. He has learned to laugh at crazy things that I do, which attracted him to me in the first place 25 years ago! Sincerely, Donna Soldano Now for this week's questions and answers Q.#1.
Overwhelmed after diagnosis A.
# 1. Q.#2.
ADDer social skills A.#2 You may find yourself interrupting, wanting to get to the bottom line, and finishing people's sentences for them (because you know what they are going to say!). You may mentally wander off in conversations, not following what is being said which is especially difficult in groups. Because of an impressionistic understanding of some of the current topics in the news not feeling confident in these kinds of discussions. Because of your slow processing, by the time you figure out what you want to say the conversation has moved on and you just say it anyway even if it doesn't make sense any more. Or you may be afraid you will forget what you want to say and so you blurt it out prematurely. All sorts of things like this can lead to insecurities that affect relationships. Some suggestions- Write down what you want to say in a group discussion if possible, especially in a work situation. Make little notes to yourself until the right time to add them. Create situations that work better for you with one on one conversation without distractions. Often volunteering to be in charge of a group keeps you in control of the agenda. Talk from your heart rather than your head. This often is easier than trying to recall facts. On the other hand, try and be with people as much as possible with whom you feel comfortable, with whom you can be yourself. These would be people with the same interests, who value the kind of person you are. Be in situations where you can display your strengths. Spend time in places where other fascinating "eccentrics" may more likely be. Then, even though you will have to sometimes be in these other more awkward situations. You will be developing confidence. Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo, pioneers in the field of adult ADD talk about social skills in their book "You mean I'm not Crazy, Stupid or Lazy?" They say that when selective attention gets in the way in social situations a person with ADD's perceptions may be flawed by incomplete or inaccurate information. They say that we watch people in social situations for clues as to how to act and we gauge their reactions to our behaviors. Because we may have an inability to process information efficiently, we can fail to assimilate the new rules quickly enough. This, combined with impulsivity, can lead to numerous social mistakes They also say that we may have difficulties taking the time to making deep connections, even if we talk to a lot of people in a social setting. They advise -just concentrate on making a few close friends instead of worrying about creating a large social network. They also encourage us by saying that many of these quirks that seemed weird as children now often work for adults who are seen as interesting or special. Also adults with ADD they point out often have creativity, special talent, humor, or zest for life that can be a social magnet! That's it for today. I want to encourage you to try out and use our new bulletin board capability to talk to me and to talk to each other about topics of interest to you. It is a way I can more directly interact with you as well. I am trying them out for a while to see if they are of use to you. I am going to hold off on the weekly Dear Sari column for a couple of weeks and try and start some conversations on the boards. Look for the conversation there. Please join in and tell your friends. I look forward to the opportunity to have more contact. Warm regards - Sari (c) 1999
Sari Solden.
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Friday, December
17, 1999 |
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Holiday Greetings and Gratitude! I'm not going to be writing for the next couple weeks because of the holidays. So let me take this opportunity to wish you a wonderful New Year and a new millennium where we, who have wonderfully unique (although often exasperating) brains, will continue to pour richness, warmth, and excitement into the world. As I look back on the last decade, I am filled with gratitude for the entire ADD community. I want to thank the readers of my book who have been incredibly supportive, the professionals in the field who have become such close and special friends, and all the wonderful men and women with ADD I have worked with during the last 10 years. You've all made this last decade of the millennium an incredibly rich and rewarding one for me. Now for this week's questions and answers Q.#1.
OCD vs. ADD A.
#1. OCD
and ADD can look alike since the compensation for ADD sometimes
takes on compulsive tones. You may have a combination of both and
it may be complicated to tease out. I would certainly recommend
when you have a complicated profile like this that at some point
it may be very helpful to you and to your doctors to invest in a
battery of tests with a psychologist experienced in adult ADD. What
you want for the long term, remember, is not just a simple yes or
no diagnosis or only medication, but also an in-depth understanding
of how your brain works- what difficulties you may confront and
how to approach them, what strengths you have so you can focus on
them Q.#2. College
student seeks structure! A. #2. There is no blood test for ADD and no one test that provides this level of absolute "proof" but there are tests and assessments which when given by experienced professionals are very accurate in making this diagnosis. I would encourage you to get help right away for yourself from one of these people, either a therapist first who can give you the support you need to take this next step if you are hesitant to proceed without your husband's full support, or to a psychologist who can give you a battery of tests to show you in-depth how your brain operates. Once
a partner sees these kinds of reports in black and white, and speaks
to the psychologist if possible about the results, the reality often
breaks through their initial resistance. Because of this, in your
situation I would recommend if possible that you have this kind
of testing and go through this process. It also sounds as if you
and your husband need some professional guidance or counseling about
these ADD issues but also your relationship in general. If your
husband doesn't want to proceed, you can't wait to prove it to him.
Get support for yourself so that you can come to understand your
diagnosis and accept yourself. Good luck. Talk with you all again on January. 7th! Happy Holidays
Sari (c) 1999
Sari Solden.
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Friday, December 9, 1999 |
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I
hear from so many people with such good information about the challenges
and gifts of living with ADD as an adult! If any of you have some
good information about events or services or articles you want to
pass along please send them in and I may be able to use them when
they apply to situations that come up in this column or when I am
making other kinds of suggestions or recommendations. Look forward
to hearing from many of you Q.#1.
Good articles for couples? A.#1. If anyone has any others they like please send them in. Another
piece of writing on the subject I find helpful is in a book by Lynn
Weiss called "ADD in Adults", 1992, Taylor publishing,
Dallas TX, chapter 11 And of course, "Driven to Distraction",
Hallowell and Ratey, 1994, Pantheon books, NY has a good chapter
on couples -chapter 4. Q.#2.
College student seeks structure! A.#2. Medication is only one part of the approach, however. These writing difficulties are another manifestation of the disorganization many adults with ADD experience in other parts of their lives for example, with clutter or with organizing their speaking a linear manner. Often this becomes incredibly discouraging to those in school or those needing to write for work. These individuals often have big ideas, good ideas, lots of ideas to express but cannot find a way, despite of endless and tiring effort, to express their ideas in an orderly fashion, to make them known and understood to others. They often go off in many different directions, following every interesting connection or thread. For each idea they come up they may generate several more. They often hunt down every bit of information on a subject and related subjects and are left then with a huge amount of material to organize which even makes it more discouraging. It is extremely frustrating when you know the subject, when you actually have a lot of ideas, when you are putting forth tremendous effort and you are continually getting incompletes or failing classes as this young woman reports .For most people, effort brings rewards. No wonder so many young adults with ADD who have the opposite experience become so discouraged. It is often difficult for these students to ask for help at school or for adults to get help with their writing. Often, though, this is essential because there are gaps in the writing process that are just so troublesome for you and time consuming that you aren't able to get to the good stuff -your ideas. Sometimes you may need someone just to get you over particular hurdles or provide structure for your ideas or to just get you to stop expanding! I
experience these difficulties in my own writing when working on
certain kind of material. I have found that having help at critical
points is essential. You may need to have someone else involved
in the process. I know that's a big hurdle for many of you to get
over, but once you accept it and get the help you need in this area,
you will be on the way to letting your ideas come out, letting yourself
be known, and moving on toward a more satisfying way of life. Good
luck ! Well, that's all for this week! I look forward to answering more of your questions next Friday! - Warmest regards. - Sari (c) 1999
Sari Solden.
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Friday, December 3, 1999 | |
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Hello,
Here are the answers to some of the questions this week. If you
don't see yours answered look again next week. I will get to them
all! Your questions are of interest to many people who share many
of the same concerns. I appreciate your writing in Q.#1.
A.
#1. My experience is that this kind of partnership has plusses as well as special challenges. On one hand, the partners might be more accepting and understanding of each other and agree on non-traditional modes of living one's life. On the other hand, they may not always have the ability to compensate for each other as in a "mixed marriage" so there may be more disorder with which to cope. In addition, sometimes your ADD may be so different that your partner's more hyperactive style that he might completely overwhelm you. Again, on the other hand, it is possible your partner may help activate you while you slow him down a bit. Because
you may have very different styles, you may need some professional
facilitation to help you both learn to communicate and to protect,
accept and respect your differences. Q.#2.
A.
#2.
A.#3. You
need to also think about what positive messages you can give her
as a result of some of the challenges you both share. Remember,
you are modeling to her how one can value themselves in spite of
special challenges and how you can ask for help, an invaluable lesson.
Good luck. Well, that's all for this week! I look forward to answering more of your questions next Friday! - Warmest regards, Sari (c) 1999
Sari Solden.
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Friday, November 19, 1999 |
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Hello, Well, it’s getting close to that time of year that often strikes fear into the hearts (and brains, of course) of those with ADD. How to cope with the all the demands, plus the addition of all those extras- shopping, choosing and buying just the right presents, more social events! Thinking about so many extra things and trying to fit in even more than usual, divides our attention and puts demands on it, that can easily overload our systems I won’t be writing next week, since I’m off for Thanksgiving myself. I thought that since I, just like my clients, try each year to face the challenges presented by holiday gatherings in new ways, I would share a helpful hint. Instead of letting all the noise and confusion bombard you, until you just withdraw or suddenly disappear without an explanation, this year try making a simple short statement before withdrawing. For example, "I need a little space, so I’m going for a walk and I’ll be back in a few minutes." Just briefly describe your needs, for instance, "I find I’m getting a little overloaded with all the commotion. I’ll be back in a few minutes." Or even just " I’m going to take the dog for a walk." Otherwise, people often misinterpret this need to get away as selfishness or standoffishness. So in advance, think through what your particular holiday family gathering challenge is. Write down your strategy, put in your pocket, and pull it out when you need to remember it, in the middle of the next endlessly long family discussion when you are ready to pull your hair out. The goal is to protect yourself but also to stay connected. It is a delicate balance but well worth it. I’ll
talk to you in a couple of weeks. Keep on writing, I love reading
and hearing from all of you. And please remember to check out the
archives for past answers. Answers to questions for this week. I
was glad to hear from so many men. Q.#1. A.#1. Q.#2.
A.#2. Q.#3.
A.#3. Q.#4.
A.#4.
Well, that's all for this week! Have a great holiday -- I look forward to answering more of your questions a week from next Friday! - Warmest regards, Sari (c) 1999
Sari Solden.
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Friday, November
12, 1999 |
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Greetings to this new on-line community. Its a pleasure for me to be able to connect with you in this way-and without all the disorganization involved in traveling! It is a wonderful way for me to be able to give back to all of you who have given me such support since the publication of my book, Women with ADD. I also hope men will use this site as a way of addressing their own journey through life with ADD as well as questions you men might have as a partner of a woman with ADD. Some of you have expressed concern about confidentiality. I will never print your exact question or your e-mail address attached to the question. So watch for your question- it may be disguised and summarized or combined with other questions that fit into same category. Later I also plan to add a feature to the web site where I can individually consult with you. At this point I plan to answer some questions each Friday and then to have them stored in the archives for you to look up if you miss it at the time it is posted. I also might occasionally ask colleagues who have expertise in specific areas to help me out or act as guest responders. I might also refer you to other experts or resources that can address your concerns. But for now
lets answer some of this week's Dear Sari questions. Q.#1.
A.#1. Q.#2.
A.#2. Q.#3.
A.#3. Q.#4. A.#4. I also wonder if your wife is getting out enough and away from her ADD difficulties. You talk about her being "Suzy homemaker" one minute and very angry the next. She might be feeling the pressure of being home every day and having the responsibility of a small child with ADD, especially now that the child is probably going to school and she may have lost the only focus she had. She has, it sounds like, gone through an extremely disorganizing time with a divorce, a remarriage, while coping with the demands of a young child, all while she has been living with untreated ADD. She has probably been spending the majority of her time in her areas of deficits. This wears a person down eventually and becomes demoralizing, especially when someone is coming home at the end of the day all full of his latest accomplishments. This may be triggering a whole host of issues for her. In addition, she may still be feeling the effects of the dissolution of her first marriage. I think it's great how you are able to see all the gifts she has to give. But it sounds as if she needs more opportunities to use those gifts every day. You might look into a holiday present of extra household help if she doesn't have it or extra baby-sitting so she may have chance to start exploring some outside activities and regain or gain a new sense of competence. I wouldn't give this help as if she is hopelessly incompetent but because you want her to have time for herself. I would also get help for myself from local ADD adult groups or support groups for spouses. You might contact Chadd (Children and Adults with ADD) to find one near you or take a trip to a conference together like ADDA (National Attention Deficit Disorder Association's annual meeting in May in Atlanta. This event is always fun and empowering. And remember don't take on more than you can yourself without resentment but instead think about support for yourself and your wife. I'm glad you are reading my book. It might be helpful for your wife if she could listen to my audiotape. ADDA
(National Attention Deficit Disorder Association) Chadd
(Children and adults with Attention Deficit Disorder) Q.#5. This
is a common problem. Many adults with ADD have a lot to express
and create and the only way they find to do it is to hyper focus
on it to the exclusion of all else. When they are done, even if
they have accomplished their goal, they look around with dismay
to see the chaos this process has left behind. You may need to increase
your level of support while you are working. It may be too much
to ask right now to break your hyper focus habit and I don't know
what kind of projects you are doing, but I would definitely recommend
the addition of support for regular filing or processing of materials.
This doesn't have to be from an expensive organizer - just a teenager
or college kid once a day or a few times a week. Just knowing they
will be coming will help keep part of your attention on what you
are doing organizationally as you go along. Sometimes instead of
fighting your problems, it is more useful to predict them and prevent
them by knowing how you operate, filling in the gaps, and enjoying
your success. You will have to analyze things for a while and see
where things break down for you, where is your need. You may need
a professional organizer to help you set up a system that you can
maintain. In addition you might look into a couple books by organizers
who understand ADD and creativity. Dorothy Lemkuhl's book called
Organizing for the Creative Person available at bookstores and Judith
Kolberg's book "Conquering Chronic Disorganization".
To order call 404 289-1622 Well, that's all for this week! I look forward to answering more of your questions next Friday! - Warmest regards, Sari (c) 1999
Sari Solden. |