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I worked at
a large counseling agency with a lot of demands for completing forms
and filling out paperwork. I was so sensitive about my handwriting
because of all the years in school of getting papers back with big
red marks on them, that I lived in fear of checking my "In Basket"
every day to get back my forms after they were processed by a clerical
staff. In the past, I had been what I called "clerically abused"
at other agencies where one member of the clerical staff put me
down and complained about me, was very upset with my performance.
She called me sloppy and careless. At that agency, my forms would
come back to me with words like, "I can't read this! Careless errors!"
with those big red marks again.
Many years
later at this new agency with a really nice clerical staff, I still
expected the same thing to happen. I approached each day with a
great deal of anxiety, as if I were still in the seventh grade and
going to get my work returned to me with red ink scrawled across
the forms, saying, "This is a mess! This could have been done by
a second-grader! Be more careful!!" Even though I am not naturally
prone to paranoia, no matter how good my work actually was, I became
convinced the clerical staff talked about me and didn’t like me
because I had messy handwriting, (which is ridiculous if you look
at it objectively). But all those years of experience were working
on me unconsciously. Instead of going to them and talking about
it (they really were lovely people) I started to avoid them. Eventually,
they probably did think I was not a friendly person. So perhaps
at some point, I was reacting correctly to the fact that they weren’t
friendly to me. Whatever the reality of the situation was, I had
created a very different scenario due to my past experiences.
Eventually,
when I understood my behavior and understood my difficulties, I
was able to talk about it. Not only did this harmful cycle of emotions
get broken, but I actually received more help with my work because
I was able to talk about the difficulty that I was having. The secrecy
and shame attached to the original problems take on a life of their
own. It’s very important for women with ADD to understand how, when
shame and guilt and a desire for self-protection kick in, they color
your perceptions. They create interpersonal difficulties as well
as prevent you from getting needed assistance.
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