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Making a
Difference
For adults who
have grown up with the experience of being different, their core
vulnerability and their greatest hurts have resulted from feeling
different. You want to take the risk to stand out-to be heard, to
be seen, to be known. But there's also your greatest fear-that of
having your differences exposed, which has often brought you humiliation
or failure. It is painful to contemplate being seen as different
since you've spent your whole life hiding your differences or have
been ridiculed for them.
Ironically,
though, it's those very differences, if you put them to work for
yourself, that give you the best chance at satisfaction and success.
It is in that arena that you may make a unique contribution, where
you may be able to express or create something special that is especially
your own.
In my book Women
with Attention Deficit Disorder, I said to "embrace your
disorganization." Now I am telling you to embrace your differences.
I know it's very difficult to contemplate this risk of exposure,
but at some point in your personal growth, the alternative becomes
too painful; consider the emotional consequences of continuing through
your entire life without being seen and known for who you are. In
Journey One you can take the first step toward embracing your differences
by observing how you talk, feel, and what you do about your differences.
You can also look at the extent to which you are hiding your differences
from other people and the effect this is having on your relationships.
(See "Explorations" at the end of this chapter.)
Living with
AD/HD every minute and every day is hard work. It is a full-time
job, along with whatever else is in your life. The treatment must
not also be a life sentence of drudgery and constant vigilance and
effort toward turning yourself inside out to become someone else-or,
as one client put it, to get over this "terminal case of uniqueness."
You and your family members, coaches, counselors, and other professional
helpers must not hold out ordinariness, normalcy, or conformity
as the litmus test of successful treatment. Aim to appreciate and
enhance your differences, instead of defending against them or hiding
them.
Remember, no
one ever did anything worthwhile by thinking, "What can I do today
that won't make a difference?" The good news is that as an adult
with AD/HD, you have a huge head start. You are one of a kind. You
don't fit in perfectly. You're ahead in the area of differences;
now you just have to figure out how to make your differences count.
I believe it is in this inability to become like everyone else that
those with AD/HD have a chance to use these differences in ways
that make them special, with something of value to offer the world.
In his book
The Mind's Eye, Thomas West says that when people with gifts
and learning difficulties or differences succeed, it is not because
they have been able to compensate; but instead, their greatness
comes from the areas in which they have not been able to compensate.
It is not that they have success in doing or saying something special
in spite of their difficulties, or because of the strength of character
they have had to develop as a result of their difficulties, but
rather it is in those areas that are unique that they retain their
specialness and extraordinariness.
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