• Learn all you can
about ADD and accept that it is part of your lives. ADD is not
a matter of being lazy. It is a physical disability as real
as poor eyesight. Acceptance will allow the ADD adult not to
feel defeat each time we are unable to follow through with a
plan and will allow the non-ADD partner to change expectations
of how we work.
• Realize that living
with a disability such as ADD is stressful. Support is important
for both partners. Support groups, therapy, supportive friends
and family who understand and listen can help both partners
make their relationship a success.
• Treat each other
as equals and accept them, flaws and all. Condescending or superior
attitudes, teasing and belittling, reinforce feelings of inferiority
and hamper the success of the relationship.
• Refrain from sighing,
frowning or making disparaging remarks when one partner is faced
with an incomplete or unfinished chore or task. Don’t finish
the task for your partner. Taking over implies that they are
not capable of doing it themselves. Instead, suggest “Can I
help you finish raking the leaves?” or “It looks as if you may
have scheduled more than you have time for today. Let’s finish
it together.”
• Tasks done together
are more fun and more likely to be completed. Companionship
while doing chores and other activities keeps even the most
boring job from becoming tedious. Do activities together, or
in the same area for companionship and to avoid distractions
and boredom.
• Communicate! Communication
is essential in any good relationship. In order to be equal
partners, communication about every aspect of life has to be
possible. It is important for both ADD and non-ADD partners
to be heard and accepted as they share their successes and frustrations.
Plan a daily time for sharing and communicating. Combine it
with a walk or private time without children or other distractions.
ADD people can be
hard to listen to as they jump from one idea to the next at
breakneck speed, or wander off in the middle of a conversation.
They can be annoying with their impulsive interruptions. However,
with calm, attentive and patient listening from a supportive
partner, the ADD adult can allow him/herself to slow down and
organize his/her thoughts, slow his/her impulsivity and be both
a successful listener and speaker.
When something that
your partner does annoys you, talk about it. Stuffing feelings
doesn’t solve problems, it only causes unnecessary stress and
anger. If your partner is annoyed by something you do, be brave
and do your best to listen to his/her complaint. Problem solve
together to end the annoying situation.
• Time outs Becoming
overwhelmed is one of the major problems for ADD people. Avoid
overwhelm in your relationship by taking time outs when things
become confusing or chaotic. During the time out, do stress
reducing activities and take control of your frustrations by
making a list of those things that are causing problems.
• Laugh! ADD folks
see humor everywhere. They not only do funny things, they think
funny thoughts too. Non-ADD partners are often attracted to
them because they admire this light-hearted attitude toward
life. Join in and laugh with your partner. Encourage each other
to laugh at yourselves and share amusing experiences.
• Reminders, not
blame: ADD people are notoriously forgetful. They work so hard
to remember one idea, that others seem to slip away. If they
don’t do something immediately it is frequently forgotten. Establish
systems in your home for reminders.
-- leave yourself
or your partner messages on the phone answering machine,
-- post-it
notes on the mirror,
-- leave notes on
the refrigerator.
-- A family
message center with a message board, bulletin board and family
calendar can make reminders, or requests much easier on everyone.
• Plan together:
ADD adults are often unrealistic about the amount of things
we are capable of doing and the time those things will take.
Plan together daily. This team approach will provide support
and structure for each partner and will give both members of
the relationship an opportunity to share and acknowledge each
other’s frustrations and successes.
• Structure: ADD
adults dislike structure, yet at the same time, we need to have
it in order to function. Partners in an ADD relationship can
work together to develop a structure that will be supportive
and not constricting for both members of the relationship.
--TIME STRUCTURE:
Work together to make a written daily, weekly and monthly schedule
of events. Post it in the family message center.
--SPACE STRUCTURE:
ADD disorganization is difficult for everyone to live with.
Keep one room completely free of clutter and chaos. Designate
another room for projects and activities. Designate a family
place for keys, shoes, purses and glasses. Have a convenient
box for mail to be placed into as soon as it arrives. Enlist
the entire family on a weekly basis to clean house and clutter.
Frequent clutter clean up will keep the chaos from getting out
of hand.
• Strategies for
completing chores: Everyone has methods that help them stay
focussed on tedious tasks. Listening to music while you vacuum,
books on tape while you wash dishes, television while you iron
are a few.
Often tasks or chores
seem too hard or overwhelming. Work together to break chores
or tasks into smaller jobs which can include a rewarding break
at the completion of each part. The feeling of success will
encourage the worker to continue to the next part.
Making a game of
a chore is essential for some people. Race yourself or try to
beat your partner’s time in mowing the lawn, cleaning the kitchen,
or weeding the garden. Give yourself points and rewards for
completing jobs. (I know one woman who for every 20 minutes
of housework rewards herself with 5 minutes of reading or relaxation.
She uses a timer to make sure she sticks to her plan.)
•Procrastination:
One of the single most common complaints by non-ADD partners
is the problems procrastination causes in their relationship.
It is important that both partners realize that everyone uses
procrastination to motivate themselves. By waiting until the
importance of doing something increases we all are motivated
to do it. The ADD adult, however, waits longer before that motivation
occurs. Find ways to trigger the motivation by setting timers,
alarms or other impersonal reminders. Allow the procrastinator
to experience the results of his/her procrastination. This can
be the most motivating method for future. Be patient and don’t
fuel the problem by becoming angry or upset. (I know of a family
that is often late for meetings because the ADD partner procrastinates
about getting ready. The non ADD partner has figured out a way
to relieve her anxiety. She gets ready early as usual and then
sits down to practice the piano. The piano music reminds him
that it is time to get ready and she doesn’t get angry and anxious
while she waits.)
